I think we are most tempted to stop following Christ the second life goes South. I know I had my Job-esque, mid-life crisis when I was about 27. Everything I did in life went "bassackwards." I lost med school and it looked like my story was taking a very dark turn for the worse. And though I continued going to church and doing the "spiritual things", I noticed I was tempted to question, "if following Jesus is so important, why does my life suck so much at this tough moment?" During my midlife crisis, I started to struggle with the lie that "just a little bit of sin" seemed to medicate the downs and numbness I felt. Sin kind of seemed like a temporary medicine to anesthetize me from the tough questions of why is my life falling apart? In economic terms, the temptation to not completely follow God seemed like a band-aid that may fix temporary pains or numbness. I kind of thought I could escape my troubles temporarily or keep my mind off them for some time. However, in the long run, I finally realized it was causing a disaster. I found the smallest ways in which I would budge on sin, the easier it was to get stuck into sin. Sin can lead to addiction, which can lead to dependence and seperation from God. As the Bible says, sin (when full grown) is death, or seperation from God. Ironically, when we choose not to follow God because life gets tough we get stuck in patterns, addictions, or sins that just keep us further from the only solution to our problems in life, an actual relationship with God.
I chose to blog about this topic because I just experienced another crisis or trial. I failed my PA school boards. I have always struggled with timed testing because my ADHD and this problem popped up again. It really is a thorn in my flesh that I, like Paul, begged God to take away. However, I'm also learning that His grace is enough and that His power would be made perfect in weakness. Right when I found out I failed I admit I just dropped F bombs and got really pissed off. My iPhone bears an eternal scar across the screen as a reminder of this moment too...lol. I found myself faced with the same temptations as seven years ago. To make things even worse I got dumped by a girl that seemed cool. Basically, one week everything looked like it was going to work out great and then it all dropped from the botttom and nothing in life seemed to work at all. In fact, it probably couldn't have gone any worse. I don't say this for pity, but just honesty and transparency that things in life sometimes just go South and don't go as planned.
I admit an intitial feeling of anger and questioning, "why me God? What did I do to deserve this?" I think we all want success and for life to go our way. Successes provide a sense of comfort, and when life isn't doing that thing we want, we just feel uncomfortable and we begin to question God. The worst part that I am willing to admit is that I initially fell back into the same sin struggle that seemed to medicate the pain seven years ago. Luckily, I decided to reflect and do something different this time. God convicted me that I had been down this path before in life and it just didn't work in the longrun. I decided to really listen to what God was saying in the midst of my pain and questioning God. David Dwight, pastor at Hope Church in Richmond, gave a spine tingling sermon about Solomon and how he achieved everything and lived a life of pleasure but on the inside his life was completely meaningless and hollow. In the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon was about to die, and he was so depressed because he felt his life was just chasing dust in the wind. This sermon opened my ears to hear what God was actually saying. Solomon's experience reminded me that "winning it all" doesn't always translate into a fulfilled life. After winning the Super Bowl, Tom Brady was quoted as saying something to the effect that, "I have won the big game multiple times and there must be more to life than this." I dare say that "more to life" is relationship with God, through thick and thin. We were made for this relationship, and we try and try to fill our life with other stuff and accolades, but it just doesn't provide the fulfillment we were designed for. We have a lot to learn from the wise sage Solomon as he knows his life is drawing to an end. We can learn from people that are older mentors and have done life before us because they have already walked the steps we are walking and already know the right way to go down those steps. Solomon is at the end of His life and just says, "Man, I wish I was close with God throughout my whole life instead of chasing things that didn't really matter in the end."
In all honesty, I find myself catching a lie that I've thought to myself, "My life would just be so much better if such and such happened." I occassionally get the thought that my life would be so much better if I could just pass the boards and move on with my life. But theologically speaking, this is just an idol, or a golden calf. How often, do I feed myself the idolatrous lie that my life will be better when "such and such" happens? I find myself catching that thought way too often in life, whether life is going well or going bad. Ironically, chasing this thought actually causes us to miss today and miss the gift of life that God tells us to live today.
I admit at times wanting God to just scratch out my boards score and give me a passing number. I want to move on with my life and be done with this phase and start practicing clinical medicine. I honestly don't want to re-adjust my ADHD medication and study for the boards all over again. However, I am excited about one thing about this failure. I am excited that this time when my life seems to be going South, I can learn from my previous mistake of giving God the finger and not turn to sin as a way to medicate the pain of going through another trial in life. This time I can choose to actually follow God through a trial and not give into my own fleshly sins as a way of coping with the trial. I have learned that He is sovereign in the midst of life's toughest trials and He has already conquered the toughest thing that we fear the most, death. So I am kinda pumped that this trial, as Peter says, will produce joy and a closer relationship with God. These trials are part of following Christ and, although they are not necessarily fun, an intimate relationship with God is what we are really after in life. After all, when we die, we will have Christ, and nothing else. That will be enough. In fact, it will be infintely more than enough. We won't need a passing board score or all this other crap we try to hide to make us feel better. These are all good things, but a lot of deep Christian philosophers and existentialists have thought deeply about God/life/man/etc. They have thought through the tough questions of life and realized the self is fulfilled by relationship with God, nothing else. They realized what Solomon realized. Relationship with God is enough. Nothing else is needed.
I admit. The Christian walk is not necessarily a walk of earthly success, fame, or "baller lifestyle." You are guaranteed nothing following Christ, and will probably go through lots of faith-building trials. I can almost guarantee you will go through multiple stages where life gets really flat out tough walking with Christ. Yet, Christ will be enough. He will be more than enough. You do not need any more and God will provide for all your needs (Phil 4:19). I think back to Phillipians 3 where Paul writes, "For it is we who put no confidence in the flesh— 4 though I myself have reasons for such confidence. If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."
I put this whole passage here because Paul truly explains how the self stands before God in light of finding Christ. He puts his spiritual resume up and says basically, "Look. I did it all, and I did it better than anyone else possibly could...But I count it as a pile of crap compared to a relationship with Jesus." Paul has street cred in the religious circles. He has the Jewish pedigree (as a Hebrew of Hebrew) so people know Paul was a big deal in religious circles at the time. He looked really good on paper. But what I like about Paul is that he is real, and not just some person who looks good on paper. He almost says that people who just look good on paper are superficial at best. On the surface, they look like they have everything put together, but in reality, they don't. Paul is actually quite deep. He understands the relationship of the self to God, and how Jesus is the way to this. He knows that without Christ he is absolutely nothing. For a man to trade His religious and cultural pedigree two thousand years ago for a relationship with Jesus meant everything back then. People probably thought Paul was crazy, but he didn't care because he knew relationship with God all he needed. We can learn a lot about self actualization from people like Paul.
It is so important that we, as Christians, tie these deep theological concepts into the ways we live. "Is living really Christ? Would dying really be gain?" I know I often do not live at all like this. I recently had a friend pass away in her thirties, which was way way too early for such an awesome person. Although death is a part of this life and a topic we as humans do not handle very well, it is an important part of life. It can be good because it reminds us, "what are we really living for? Why do I exist?" I have really enjoyed my thirties, but I think the hardest part of your thirties is that people close to you start getting closer to death or even actually dying. I didn't struggle with this in my twenties, but I have in my thirties at times. Soren Kierkegaard and a lot of deep Christian existentialists point out that death reminds us we are finite and everything on this earth will eventually pass away. It forces us to ante up and examine our own lives. Are we really living the way we want to? Are we really ready to die? Are we really ready to meet God the Father and answer the question what we think of His Son? It is quite shocking how quickly life can change. One minute it looks like we are on top of the world. But when we face death, we realize just how much the earthly stuff is not going with us. This should remind us to store up treasures in heaven, not on earth. We are to use our time and experience in this life sharing the way that God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to restore the relationship with God the Father that was once broken by sin. I think God will ask us two very simple questions when we die. First, I believe He will ask, "Have you accepted Jesus as the way to eternity with Me [God the Father]?" But I have a weird hunch God will also ask, "What did you do to share about my Son while you were on Earth?" That second question sends chills down my spine. I think of all the time I've wasted watching sports, playing video games, etc. And I think woah. I probably could have helped lead at least one more to Jesus. I could have done so much more in the eternal perspective of my life.
I know I've rambled on a lot of theological tangents and I need to start tying things together, but I've brought up all these thoughts and ideas that spurred out of a trial in life. Basically, I am excited about one thing. I am excited that this time when I'm having a mini mid-life crisis I can finally actually follow and obey God through it. I think I learned from my first mid life crisis seven years ago that I don't have to fight God over it. My first mid-life crisis I kind of gave God the finger and said if you are going to let this happen to me I will try to fight you a little bit. I learned that fighting God is like being chased by the cops on Grand Theft Auto with 5 stars of attention. You really do not stand a chance at winning. Luckily, my second attempt is a new opportunity where I can learn to be content even in the midst of the trial, in the midst of the ruminations, in the midst of questioning God. God has already proven He is sovereign and on the throne in my life and in the world. He doesn't have to do any more to illustrate these parts of His character to myself or to anyone. Thus, all I really have to do is just sit back and live a life of obedience to the sovereign King who sits on the throne.
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